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30
Jun

33

Pre Classic Preview!

By switzerblog | Filed in Good stuff, Track geekery

Updated – see below

You guys! My track geekery is going to explode from my chest like one of those weird alien babies except it’ll be all lean and complaining about lane draws and probably have personalized spikes and try to drag my burst chest along for a 4 x 800 workout.  My geekery is an asshole, you guys.  Anyway, I don’t usually blog about track here, but nobody reads my track blog, so the hell with it.  I’ll do it here. 

The man himself - I'll be sitting just a couple rows up from that finish line!On Saturday, I’ll be in Eugene for the Pre Classic, a Diamond League track meet in its 36th year (first as a Diamond League event, essentially joining it to what used to be the European circuit), and named in honor of Steve Prefontaine – read about my track hero here.  And you can see the Pre Classic live on NBC at 1:00pm PDT (look for me near the finish line!)

So here’s how this works: I’m a track geek, but I’m not all professional like my friend Ann, who puts up real previews with all sorts of useful info.  I just write about stuff I like and what I think, so my predictions are often pure shit.  And I know fuckall about discus and javelin, so sue me.  But I’ll do my best to provide some useful info, and maybe a grown-up track person will link to me and I’ll be famous.

Here’s the (provisional) start list.  I’m just going to stick with the format for the most part (with a couple exceptions).

Men’s 200 Meters:

Loaded, but any sprint without Usain Bolt these days feels oddly anti-climactic.  Tyson Gay is scheduled to appear, but he’s had a balky hamstring lately, so we’ll see what happens.  If he comes, and the hammy holds up, he’s a clear favorite.  The man’s capable of a 19.5.  Besides him, though, at least two others who’ve run sub-20 are on the board, and both Shawn Crawford and Walter Dix are capable of producing 19.7 if things go right, so we’ll see a fast race no matter what!  I predict Gay/Dix/Crawford if Tyson makes it, Dix/Crawford/Thompson if not.

Men’s 110 Meter Hurdles:

Again, WOW!  David Oliver, Ryan Wilson, Ronnie Ash, David Payne, Ryan Brathwaite, Terrence Trammell – let’s see, a guy who’s run sub-13 three times this year including a 12.93 into a headwind last week (Oliver), the reigning World Champion (Trammell), and four other guys who can threaten 13?  Yeah, this should be a good race.  Smart money’s on Oliver, and he looks primed to pop something big this summer.  Could it be Saturday?

Men’s 1000 Meters:

Here’s where it gets good. Eugene, Hayward Field, and the Pre Classic are really about distance and middle-distance events.  This one could be a doozy.  Khadevis Robinson is going to pace them through 800m in 1:45 (!!), in Abubaker Kaki’s attempt at the world record of 2:11.96.  Nick Symmonds is also along, as are Boaz Lalang and Alfred Yego, sub 1:44 guys all, and all with a shot at that record.  I’d say the fastest 1000 on US soil (2:15.97) is going down for certain, and Nick has a really good shot at the American Record at a minimum (2:13.9).  I think 2:11 may be a tough one, but it should be in the 2:13 range, for sure.

Men’s 5000 Meters:

Are you kidding me???  Kipchoge, Merga, Ebuya, Tegenkamp, Solinsky, Salel, Bekele, Mutahi…yeah, my geekery is starting to pound on my chest wall now. Ten guys in the starting field have run sub-13:00 either this year or last year, including two Americans.  Yeah. Read that again. The weather will be sunny and 70, so the first sub-13:00 on US soil will happen.  Mark it on your calendar.  And it’s realistic to say Tegenkamp or Solinsky could be in the money here.  This race is truly wide open, although I’m going to lean on Kipchoge or Merga for the win.  With Tegenkamp and Solinsky living in Oregon, I’ll definitely be pulling for the guys with home cooking in their bellies, though!

Update: Alistair Craig has been added to the field – don’t know how much he’ll be in the mix, but he was smoking it during the indoor season.

Men’s Shot Put:

C’mon.  Christian Cantwell is unbeatable this year, and he loves throwing in Eugene.  I’m only mentioning this event because I look forward to making fun of Tomasz Majewski’s hair in person.  Cantwell wins, Majewski, Hoffa and Nelson fight it out for 2nd and 3rd, with Ryan Whiting being an interesting dark horse.

Women’s 100 Meters:

Possibly more star power here than in the men’s 200. Carmelita Jeter, Shelly-Ann Fraser, Veronica Campbell Brown, LaShauntea Moore and Kelly-Ann Baptiste headline – this race could fly.  Jeter and Fraser most likely duke it out for 1st, but any of these women could pop a fast time.  I expect sub-11 by at least two.

Women’s 800 Meters:

Ohboyohboyohboyohboy!!  rowburyYeah, this and the steeple are where I get excited! (Okay, and the men’s 5000 and mile)  Sub-2:00 seems very possible, as everyone in this race has run under 2:00 this season or last, including last year’s surprise winner (and my current track crush) Maggie Vessey, who dropped a 1:57 on the world last year.  Janeth Jepkosgei looks to be in 2007 form, meaning really tough to beat, but she’ll be pushed hard by Anna Pierce, Mariya Savinova (the best 800 runner in the world when she runs in Russia), Maryam Jamal, Alysia Johnson, Kenia Sinclair and Shannon Rowbury.  Pamela Jelimo is in the field and is rounding back into form, but is nowhere near her 2008 self yet, and I don’t see her challenging. 

And yeah, that’s me and my atrocious haircut from earlier this spring, looming awkwardly over poor Shannon Rowbury after she ran a season-opening 800 at the UW Indoor Preview.

Update: Nancy Langat!  She’s been added to the field – I’m pulling hard for Maggie, and this made a super exciting race even more super exciting!

Women’s Steeplechase:

So I’m totally biased here.  I’m a Lisa Aguilera groupie, and you should be too.  But this race, like a lot of women’s steeples in the last couple years, is loaded.  The top three, Marta Dominguez, Yuliya Zarudneva and Milcah Chemos, have all run under 9:10, Assefa and Aguilera have run in the 9:20s, while Bridget Franek and Nicole Bush are just on the cusp of some breakout times.  Expect this to be quick, as Chemos likes to push the pace, and Dominguez and Zarudneva won’t let her get away.  My only gripe here is that Chemos’ form over the hurdles makes my brain hurt, and I contend puts other runners at risk in close quarters (she pulls both legs over sideways at the same time, rather than using traditional hurdle form – it takes up at least 18 inches to her right, and causes her to stop all momentum when she lands. It’s a testament to how fast she’s running between hurdles, but it’s a matter of time before she causes a crash).  My new friend Shayla Houlihan is very excited to be running in this race in her fancy Brooks gear.  Team Houlihan! 

Women’s 400m Hurdles and 400 Meters:

I don’t have a start list for these yet, but I know we’ll see Lashinda Demus, Sheena Tosta and Josanne Lucas square off.  Demus is HOT this year, so we’ll see what she can roll. 

I haven’t seen a start list for the women’s javelin, either, but you know Kara Patterson will be there, fresh off her unexpected American Record in Des Moines next week, so the crowd should be juiced for her!

Bowerman Mile:

This race traditionally closes the meet out, and it’s going to be a doozy this year.  Seven of the top 10 milers from last year.  Two World Champions, an Olympic Champion, two sub 1:44 800m guys.  Think they’ll get it going?  I’d love to see them get under 3:48 for the first time at Hayward, but that’s a rare event; we’ll see.  One thing I know, this is never a tactical race, it’s all about time.  Asbel Kiprop, Youssef Kamel, Haron Keitany, Bernard Lagat, Mohammed Moustaoui, Nicholas Kemboi, Amine Laalou, Daniel Komen, Gebremedhin Mekonnen – good lord!  Throw in Leo Manzano and Lopez Lomong to round out the US group, and this is definitely going to put an exclamation point on the meet.  The question for me is not if we’ll see a sub 3:50, but how many guys will go sub 3:50. 

Update: Andrew Wheating, after skipping the US Championships last week (boo, Andrew!), has been added to this.  With all the talk of Andrew being the next great American miler, is this his first shot at the big time?

Okay, that’s it. I’ll post pics and try to blog from Eugene, and if you want from-the-track updates, be sure to follow me at Switzerblog!

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21
Jun

6

Ouch! Facebook is hurtful and mean!

By switzerblog | Filed in Bein' single, Dating, Online dating

I saw this tweet today from Linda Thomas (@TheNewsChick):

Would You Break Up via Facebook? http://bit.ly/aqGcyL

Following the link, I found the Mashable article by Jolie O’Dell (@JolieODell) – and holy shit, y’all!  25% of people who responded to a poll had found out they’d been dumped by seeing it on Facebook.  It’s like the most passive-aggressive thing ever.  21% said they would break up with someone by changing their status to single, and nearly half update their status so people think they have plans, whether they do or not!

It brought to mind a tweet I saw earlier today, from @singlegirlie, about the pain of finding out via Facebook that the “one that got away” had gotten married.  She was crushed by this.

And of course, all of this brought to mind the drama of the last year or so in my life, and the role Facebook has played in that. There was some, um, tension between the ex and I concerning her Facebook activity towards the end of our marriage. No, she didn’t break up with me via Facebook – I mean, I was right there all the time, so no need of that!  But there was a lot of commenting back and forth between someone that, let’s say, I wasn’t a fan of. So, seeing that while I was also very aware that my marriage was crumbling was pretty painful. Once we formally split, we stayed Facebook friends.  We definitely put in the effort to stay friends, and I’m sure neither of us wanted to hurt the other (or start an unnecessary fight) by unfriending during what was already a difficult time. But her new life was quite different from mine, at least as reported via status updates.  It was all “OMG can’t wait for the concert with my super duper amazing friends of which I have millionz!! ;) ” all the time.  Sitting alone in my studio apartment, that was a big ol’ dagger!  By the way, she does not write like that. That was for your lulz.

Eventually, I just blocked her so I couldn’t see her status updates in my feed.  But ye gods, I could still see her photos!  Most of the time, that was no big deal…until she posted the first photos of her and her current boyfriend.  It was tough, I’ll admit it.  I mentioned it to her (she knew I’d blocked her status updates), mostly conversationally, and to her credit she offered to pull them down, but hell, she has a right to put pictures of her and her boyfriend up there.  All I’ll say is thank goodness Facebook changed the UI so you don’t have to see those photos anymore!

After a while, she asked if we could change our relationship statuses to single.  I’d held off, but eventually it became obvious that that’s what we were; there was no avoiding it. We agreed to change at the same time-ish, but she beat me by a few minutes.  Seeing that “Mrs. Switzer is now single” pop up in the feed…OW.  Didn’t like that.  It took me a couple days to manage that, I have to be honest.  Luckily, tons of friends came out of the woodwork to wish me well and offer kind words and thoughts, and oh my was that needed! 

I rarely visit her page now, but once in a while the pull is too great.  You know, 13 years of being together doesn’t just go poof overnight; sometimes curiosity just gets the better of you.  And yeah.  It hurts.  It probably will surprise me with pangs like this for a long time.  90% of the time, I’m happier without her; we’d run our course and it just wasn’t working anymore.  But it isn’t like I was married to some horrible bitch; she’s funny and can be a dear friend – it’d be easier if she was some psycho twat!  Anyway, that isn’t the point here…we’re talking about Facebook.  Would I avoid those pangs if I unfriended her?  Yeah.  I’d also lose the phantom wedding ring that I can STILL feel sometimes if I cut off my ring finger.  But what would I gain?  It doesn’t hurt anything to be Facebook friends.  I’ve set up the filter so I only see what I want to see, and she can keep track of my foibles.  We’ll never be as close as we were, but we do still care about each other, and I don’t mind her having a way to know what I’m up to.

There’s no one right answer.  Singlegirlie still looked at the one that got away, and was crushed, but you know what? It also reminded her of those good times that they had.  The pain can surprise you for a long time, but it will eventually stop, and you’ll still have those memories, and Facebook provides you, if you want it, a way to reach out later and reconnect. For others, that pain may be too sharp and the right thing to do is unfriend and block. But you know what? I can say that neither I nor the ex ever posted anything intended to hurt the other.  And when we changed our relationship statuses, it was done in agreement and as coordinated as possible, so no one would be any more surprised or hurt than necessary.  And as for me, I changed my page so relationship status is off the table.  I decided I don’t need to advertise that shit anymore! 

All social media has the potential to be a sword that cuts swift and deep, and can be at its worst when wielded by a coward.  Some of us – me included – have decided the risk of a sharp cut is worth the tradeoff in new, unexpected friendships that can be found in this strange and unique world.  It’s just a chance you take.  Breaking up hurts, no matter how you do it or how you find out.  Face to face, over the phone, via email or text, Twitter or Facebook.  A coward will be cruel, a friend will be as kind as they can, but it’s always going to hurt.  Be careful with yourself, and try to avoid those cowards.  And if you’re cut by one, remember that this new world has given you many, many other friends who can be reached to help salve that wound, more quickly and effectively than ever before.  We’re all together in this now.

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18
Jun

40

Sometimes religion just pisses me off

By switzerblog | Filed in Religious nonsense, Stupid Republicans

No all religion.  Not even any specific religion.  Maybe I should amend it to “sometimes the religious just piss me off”.  But I don’t feel like it.  Instead, I’ll just blatantly troll for readers with an inflammatory headline.  hee hee…such a heathen.

So for those of you who don’t already hate me, I’m an atheist.  It’s important to note that atheist means “without god” (not God – the word references any god, it’s neutral as to which one).  It does not mean “antagonistic to god”.  That’s a very important distinction to make – believers often assume that since I’m an atheist, that I “hate” god or am “opposed” to god – or even that I “refuse” to believe.  None of those things are true.  I’m not opposed, I don’t hate, nor do I refuse to believe in any particular god.  It just doesn’t make any sense to me.  A world without a god makes more sense.  To me.  This boggles believers, and that’s okay – I totally get that from that worldview, mine is confusing.  I don’t expect everyone to share my views; some folks are more agnostic on the whole thing, some folks just get more sense from a world with a god.  That’s cool.  But here’s where I get pissed…(okay, there are more, but this is today’s)

This sad story is about an idiotic douchebag whose girlfriend was either having an affair with, or just had a friendship that he didn’t approve of with, another man.  He saw a text from the guy, flipped out, and killed her.  Up to the killing her part, this happens all the time.  When arrested, he told the police that she had made a “Wiccan blood oath” to end the relationship.  Okay, so they’re Wiccan.  Whatever.  Ignoring the idea that this particular religion apparently had him believing that a “blood oath” could be sworn and met with death if broken (this is more a sign that he’s immensely stupid than that religion is evil), what got me is in the comments.  (Okay, no.  It does piss me off.  This evil prick tried to hide behind his particular religion to rationalize murdering his girlfriend.  Fucker.)

Here are the comments that led to today’s post:

Great_Teabagger 29p · 46 minutes ago

This is what happens when liberal religions induce folk to stray from the Cross.

Reply

al_wa 99p · 37 minutes ago

I am having trouble grasping that concept.
Definition of Liberal Religion
"What does it mean to be a religious liberal? To be a liberal according to my favorite scripture, Merriam-Webster, is be open minded, is to be free from the constraints of dogmatism and authority, is to be generous and to believe in the basic goodness of humankind. Religion is defined as that which binds us back or reconnects us to that which is ultimately important. Thus religious liberals are those that are connected, through generosity and openness, to the most important aspects of life."
–Rev. Kimi Riegel, Minister, Northwest UU Church, Southfield, MI

Reply

Great_Teabagger 29p · 18 minutes ago

Fancy talk, but the fact remains that the follower of this liberal-flavored religion dismembered a woman.
Witches, Wiccans, or however they choose to call themselves are bloodthirsty devil-worshippers and this grisly act proves it.

‘al_wa’ is engaging in the time-honored practice of answering religious insult with religious quote, which I think was unneccessary as it’s way off the point, but hey – it’s the internet, and people do it.  But ‘Great_Teabagger’ really captures the worst side of religion. And then prints it on a flag and waves it around.  The suggestion he makes here is that “the Cross”, obviously he means a specific brand of Christianity, is separate and apart from “liberal religions”.  And I think we can safely assume that all non-Christian religions will be lumped in that group.

This is lunacy.  The stupidity of reading the story of this woman’s death and jumping to “liberal religion” and implying that somehow being a Christian would’ve prevented this guy from doing this…it boggles the mind.  Focus, people.  Christianity is not the answer to the world’s evils.  This had nothing to do with “devil-worshippers” (wow, btw. The 16th century called, they miss you.  They want you to come home).  It’s about a crazy guy who did crazy shit.  And should be punished accordingly. 

You see, Wicca is the polar opposite of devil-worship – it’s about respect for the natural forces of the world.  It’s about not causing harm.  I don’t say this to refute Great_Teabagger – I say this to underscore how far from his religion this murderer strayed.  Had be been a Christian, he would’ve strayed just as far.  Religion simply is not a magical panacea that cures all ills. 

Religion has much to recommend it.  It gives some people hope.  It gives others answers to scary questions.  It gives some people a home, or a family, or peace.  But ultimately, religions are filled with people, and all religions recognize that people are flawed – and none claim to fix that.  They just give you a set of guidelines to strive for.  Too many believers fail to see this distinction, and think they’ve not just been absolved of their sins, but are magically prevented from committing (or at least being found out for) others.  No.  You are still, no matter how pious or genuinely righteous, responsible for you, until the day you die and go to find out if you or I were right all along.

Liberal religion didn’t lead this man to kill his girlfriend.  It can’t be blamed, and when he inevitably turns to “the Cross” in prison, it won’t change what he’s done.  He alone bears that responsibility.  Focus, people. 

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17
Jun

1

Eek my job!

By switzerblog | Filed in Holy shit!, Mah brainz, Work

Things are weird at work. Surviving layoffs let me feel a little cushion of safety, but that has completely eroded.

See, it’s been a rough 18 months. I let the divorce and all the other crazy shit affect my work – never good! I wish I was one of those ‘my work is my refuge’ people, but alas. So this year’s upcoming review is going to be a tough one.

But that isn’t my biggest worry. Effective July 1, most of what I do is shifting to another group. And I’m going to be pooled with several other people to work on special projects. Assurances have been made that jobs are secure, but come on…how can I not feel like I’m auditioning for my job?

It’s a tough economy, I know that. And I’ve been a weak link lately. Sigh. Nobody has a right to a job; just because I’m here doesn’t mean they’re obligated to keep me. But shit, this is cold. Scary.

At least I don’t have kids depending on me – now that would be scary! I feel like my fate here may be sealed, but I’m pretty sure Tiny Dog and I will find a way. Meanwhile, I’ve got a resume to update! Anybody looking for someone whose main skill is naps? Now, that would be a cool job!

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14
Jun

82

Why do we do online dating?

By switzerblog | Filed in Bein' single, Dating, Online dating

Damn, I need to post more often! Okay, before I get into this, a quick update – the dentist says I need more work than he can do.  Teeth are in great shape, just crooked, but my gums need surgery before we can do braces.  So, a year from braces and another year or so from a smile I can love. Or at least tolerate!  One step at a time, baby…

Okay, so online dating.  Why do so many people do it, when so many people still bitch mightily about it?  In the olden days ten years ago, there was a serious stigma attached to placing personal ads (kids, this is what they were called when you did your dating profile in the newspaper)(newspapers are like blogs, but printed – they’re the things your grandparents read in the morning).  The stigma is gone now, and thanks to the internet, being single has become big business.  But it’s annoying – profiles to fill out, endless emails to write or check, photos to take and crop and post, IM sessions with strangers, and let’s face it…a high failure rate.  Even the successful online daters will have to go through their fair share of bad dates and dry spells.  It happens offline, too, but it feels so much more quantifiable online, for some reason.  So why are there millions of single people out there doing the online dating thing?

We’re lonely.  I’ll call it ironic at risk of misusing irony, but we’re spending so much time online now, that we have even less time for real human interaction.  When you’re single, this is just magnified.  So, despite the frequent claims by online singles that “I don’t want a relationship right now”, we still want to find someone to fill the few hours we have available for real contact with another person.  We long for each other.  It’s the human condition – and I don’t mean that we’re all pining away crying into our pillows – but that we desire the presence of other humans.  We’re social creatures.

We’re vulnerable and afraid.  Let’s face it, meeting new people, especially in an “I’m looking for a relationship” setting or mindset, is nerve-wracking.  It’s scary!  We fear rejection, laughter, loss, hurt.  We fear being embarrassed.  Conversations with strangers, for all but the lucky few who possess social ease, can be fraught with perilous interchanges and opportunities to let someone bring you down.  So we retreat behind our LCD panel.  Surely the computer won’t hurt my feelings!  Surely I’ll be shielded from embarrassment or loss here!  No way I can say something stupid in an email – I have time to correct it before I send it out!

We want a shortcut.  When things are hard, we look for an easier way.  And we’ve trained ourselves to have a pavlovian response to the internet – it’s easier!  Dating is hard!  Let’s do it online!  Even when we’ve been on three different sites and shelled out money and given over hours of our time to finding and posting good photos, writing and re-writing profiles, getting input from friends, and sent or replied to emails, we still convince ourselves that it must be easier online.

Well, it’s not. It’s not easier.  It’s just a different kind of hard.  Of course dating is hard, no matter how you do it!  But you have to find a way that is fun for you.  Some people do enjoy online dating.  I don’t; so I’m finding other ways…some have sucked, some are fun.  But meeting new people can and should be fun, even if it will always be work, of a kind.  And there are no shortcuts – when meeting new people, you will have to risk hurt and loss and rejection.  But you’re also gambling on friendship and love and happiness and laughter.  It’s worth the tradeoff. 

You have to focus on the good you get from this process, or you’ll only keep hurting yourself.  I’m learning this, ever so slowly.  But embracing and prioritizing the fun aspects and positive outcomes of dating allows you to overcome those fears, accept the hurts and rejections as the learning experiences they are, and we begin to see that shortcuts aren’t always the right direction. 

And once we get this under our belt?  Well, I think the lonely part will have already taken care of itself.  Healthy, happy people aren’t lonely people.  That’s my goal.  That’s what I’m working for.

I think I’m supposed to ask a question here so I’ll get some comments that do not come from Russian spam-bot factories…so why do you do online dating?  Where do you do it?  What’s worked and not worked?  Or why did you stop and go to IRL dating, like me?  Feedback, people, feedback! 

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10
Jun

10

Reinvention

By switzerblog | Filed in Bein' single, Mah brainz

Demolition

After last weekend’s nightmare and bout of introspection, it seems like a good time to address some lingering issues.  Of course, one is already being dealt with – therapy started on Tuesday.  But I have two other issues that I’m insecure about: my weight, and crooked teeth. 

Weight is easy – I’m not gross fat; just heavier than I want to be.  It bugs the shit out of me, though, and if I’m not comfortable with myself, it’s gotta be fixed.  So, to the gym I go.  No big deal. The crooked teeth have *GOT* to be fixed.  I’m extremely phobic about the dentist, but I’m self-conscious about my smile to a much greater extent.  And let’s face it, it’s not attractive.  To be blunt, no one wants to kiss a smile like mine.  (which is a shame, I’m a good kisser! Wasted talent…)  So, on Monday I go to the dentist. It’s time for braces, invisalign, whatever the hell needs to be done.

Will this fix everything?  Will I magically become catnip for the ladies?  Nah.  Maybe I won’t be thrown out with the metaphorical trash quite so quickly, but even getting in shape and fixing my biggest glaring flaw won’t change that I’m just an average looking guy.  But I know this: Anything that makes me feel more confident (and this is true for anyone), helps.  Confidence is sexy.  And while looks matter more than people like to admit, confidence alone can make quite a difference.

Being single can be a lot of fun.  But part of the learning experience is realizing how hard it is, too.  And even more importantly, learning that this isn’t just about being single or finding a way to rectify that situation – it’s about learning to embrace yourself and experience life to the fullest – as healthy and intact as possible!  Baby steps…

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6
Jun

46

My mental illness

By switzerblog | Filed in Mah brainz

Okay, so we all have our own brand of crazy.  Some people obsess, some people count (I count stairs – factoid), some people have body dysmorphic disorder, some people are schizophrenic.  But we all have some level of crazy.  For some folks, they can put that crazy to good use – I mean, OCD can actually be a useful business skill if you channel it correctly!  For others, it’s a nuisance, and for some, it impacts their ability to function in society.  And for some of us, it impacts our ability to manage relationships.

For most of my life, my crazy has been more of a nuisance.  I have OCD, so as I said above, I count stairs, make parallel lines, and I have things that can’t be touched (newspapers/magazines, pens).  Yeah, if I buy a newspaper and you grab the business section from me, I might just walk away and buy another paper.  But I can totally function if these things have to go by the wayside – either for expediency or to keep up appearances.  It just makes me feel a bit hinky; it isn’t like I think Garth Brooks will die if I don’t touch the light switch three times.  (thank God I don’t have the touching-things type of OCD! What a nightmare)  I also have a touch of depression, which for most of my life just meant I would get moody from time to time, which was easily enough chalked up to my male time-o-the-month. 

Unfortunately, in the last few years of my marriage, depression became a larger part of my life, and in late 2008 became fully debilitating, although I wasn’t aware of it until it had contributed to the ending of my marriage and I had become almost non-functional.  A relatively minor slight caused my self-image to plummet and sent me spiraling out of control.  Of course, divorce is traumatic for anyone, but hits pretty hard for someone who’s already depressed, so a bad situation became worse.

So, after a lifetime of proudly handling my down times on my own, in January of 2009 I began taking anti-anxiety medication.  By this point, it had reached a point of disordered thinking that resulted in bad decisions I still can’t explain, lost time (I don’t remember large chunks of 2009), and suicidal thinking.  (Something else I plan to write about, btw)  After about a year of tinkering, we found a drug and dosage that seem to keep me level-headed; I have normal moods and emotions, but I don’t have the massive valleys that had developed.  WHEW!

So why am I telling you guys this stuff?  Well, I had a weird experience this weekend.  I forgot to take my meds on Friday and Saturday.  By Friday night, I was agitated and tweeting while angry, and decided to go drinking with some friends. At a fairly rough bar, I found myself looking around for someone to pick a fight with…I can’t even explain to people who don’t know me how far outside my personality that is.  Luckily, I recognized that as a *bad* sign, stopped drinking and stuck close to my friends.  On Saturday, I got gloomier, tweeted some unpleasantness, and had deeply disturbing dreams.  And my plans to off myself resurfaced, yay!  By Sunday, I realized I had no memory of what I’d done Saturday, and realized what had happened.  Once I got straightened out, happy Switzer returned and I had my equilibrium back.  Scary stuff, and if I’d gone a few more days, it would have been worse!  After taking my meds on Sunday and getting back to normal, I thought about this and realized that this has become a barrier to normal relationships.  And that’s really why I’m writing this.  Although let’s be honest – it also spooked me and this is my way of venting.

See, I used to be like everyone else.  Bad moods would come and go, but they were like storms.  Some more intense than others, but basically they’d blow in and blow out pretty quickly.   But over the last few years, it’s as though a persistent low pressure pocket formed in my head.  These things blow in, but basically just keep building.  And when I get off meds like I did this weekend…wow.  Hurricane Switzer.  It becomes a feeding frenzy for negative thoughts.  Someone doesn’t return a call, that means they don’t like me.  Pretty soon, that means they never did.  Before long, no one does.  And since these things are obviously facts, there’s no point examining them; I just accept it.  So what’s the point in trying anymore?  It isn’t like a sadness or even hopelessness.  It’s more…not caring.  I stop caring what people think, since it doesn’t matter.  And I become angry about the people who give me advice – take care of yourself, go to the gym, make eye contact, blah blah blah.  Why are they wasting my time with advice that doesn’t matter?  Are they amusing themselves at my expense? 

What a joy, right?  Well, guess how this expresses itself externally!  Saturday night, I went out for an ill-advised (in hindsight) drink.  A bartender I’ve been trying to make friends with – not romantically; too young, not my type, not interested in me at all – suddenly greeted me by name.  First time ever!  Normally, this is a time for playing it cool, noting that you’ve made some progress and making some friendly chit-chat.  Sadly, I think I was downright unpleasant to this poor girl.  Wouldn’t look at her, obviously I was angry so I’m sure she could see that, mumbled my orders.  Just a mess.  And not normal – I’d bet it’s a creepy sight when I’m like that; my best friend has referred to my ‘crazy eyes’ when I’m off meds.

So as a single guy, this is a big deal.  I have no interest in dating this girl, but she is friends with people I might want to meet.  Hands up, who thinks she’s interested in introducing any of her friends, for any reason, to the creepy angry dude?  Right.  And good lord, think of the damage I’ve done with women I am interested in dating when I’m like this!  And let’s just look at basic friendships, disregarding dating.  How many friends want no part of that mess? 

I’m a cheerful guy.  Not really outgoing, I’m pretty shy, but I can be engaging and entertaining and funny.  I’m gentle – I’m slow to anger, and I abhor fighting.  Overall, I’m pretty happy!  And I’m an easy laugh; who doesn’t love someone who always laughs at their jokes, right?  But all of those good things are undone when this badness happens.  And even when I’m all medicated up, I’m still struggling with doubts and hurt from the divorce and things that have happened over the past year, so there are times when I get pretty deep inside my own head. 

So what’s the point of all this public introspection?  A couple things.  I think it’s time for therapy, alas.  I’ve always depended on my own self-awareness (pretty deep), understanding of psychology, and intelligence to deal with things like this.  My Dad taught me to always find my weaknesses and make them a strength, and I’ve always done that from a mental health perspective, very successfully.  But I think this is more than I can handle.  I need a nice person to talk to, and for the love of God I need to be careful about my meds!  So a new chapter will begin for Switzer: therapy. 

And the other point?  I know I’m not alone.  Others struggle with this.  And as much as I know I hurt myself when I go down the rabbit-hole (I call it getting lost in my head), I know I hurt others.  I was unkind to my bartender friend.  I was unkind to my ex-wife before we split up.  I’ve taken advantage of people at the worst of times, but even now that it’s under control, I sometimes let them down.  And I just can’t live with that, and no one else who struggles with this should have to live with it either.  So if anything I’ve written sounds like you?  You’re not alone.  Go talk to somebody.  Send me an email.  Accept help.  It’s okay, and you’re not broken, just scratched.  This is totally fixable, so make yourself well and start some positive feedback loops instead of negative.  That’s what I’m doing, starting tomorrow. 

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5
Jun

6

Here, friends, decide who I should date…

By switzerblog | Filed in Bein' single

Yeah.  Last night I went out with some friends for beer and really, really loud music with angry-sounding musicians of the metal persuasion.  I know, right?!  Quite a change from the wine bars of the last year or so, but holy hell it was fun.  Met some new people, found some new places to go hear live music – good times!

Anyway, one of these friends is a “connector”.  (In fact, that’s her new nickname on here and Twitter: Connector) As in, she’s the most social person I’ve ever met.  I met her at a bar, we chatted for a few hours, and everyone knows her.  She’s just one of those people.  Nice, awesome, smart, funny – the package.  She even gets people to come out every Wednesday night for dinner and drinks, and there are always people there who she just met a few nights earlier and they’re already her friends.  It’s an amazing skill.  She’s just a social hub; people gravitate and revolve around her.

So it finally occurred to me (well, the ex prodded me into this): why am I not tapping every possible resource in my search for lady-lovin’?  So I put myself out there and let her know I was looking, and if she met someone she thought might be a good fit for the Switzer, don’t be shy with the introductions (as though she ever is).

Will this produce love?  Will it even produce a date?  Who knows?  About a year ago, I asked my friends to do this, but you know…I love ‘em, but they’re your standard issue Seattle friends.  They really intend to do it, but people here spontaneously combust at the mere mention of singledom – even once removed.  So of course no one’s managed a set up or even an introduction.  This friend is at least more likely to actually try! 

And isn’t that what it’s about?  Even if she doesn’t introduce me to anyone, I tried.  I put myself out there to one more person, and hell – just by being around her I’m forced to meet all sorts of new people!  We’ll see where this goes.  Stay tuned, baby bees.

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  • Дизайнер posted on July 22, 2010
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  • Хостинг и сервера posted on July 19, 2010
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5
Jun

6

Ken Hutcherson, ye reap what ye sow

By switzerblog | Filed in Homo poz, Religious nonsense

Remember this?

Now, inevitably, we have this.

Actions, as Ken knows, have consequences.  Mt. Si High School should be ashamed for letting his bigoted nonsense cow them into allowing this kind of bullshit to breed and grow.  They had an opportunity for a teaching moment with their kids, and they blew it because they were afraid of a one-note preacher.  Losers.

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4
Jun

94

Online Dating: Other options include stabbing yourself in the eye.

By switzerblog | Filed in Bein' single, Dating, Online dating

Before I get into this, a note: I’m making some changes here at ye blogge.  I’ll be talking more about dating, or the lack of said, and whatever romantic foibles come along.  Politics makes me too angry, and others write about it better than I ever will, so I can’t do that anymore.  I’ll try to salvage my old posts for those who like ‘em – so you’re all set, Mom!  I won’t be naming names or leaving clues here…This isn’t about chronicling actual dates.  As my friend Moxie suggested, this will be entirely about the journey. What am I learning, what have I learned, how have I grown?  Am I growing? Am I becoming a bitter old cat lady (yes)?  I might judge others harshly while I’m at it, and I’ll still say fuck too much. (look away, Mom)

Okay, so I re-entered the pool last January, and after the requisite mourning/wow-am-I-a-mess period, decided in mid-February to start looking around and get back out there. Yes, this was a mistake. That’s not the point, asshole.  Once I stopped running up to women and begging them to love me through my tears, I reassessed and decided to try out Match.com.  Why Match?  Because, unlike eHarmony, they didn’t make me fill out a 463-page questionnaire.  First lesson about online dating: It’s essentially essay questions given by varying evil proctors.  “Tell me about yourself in at least 155 characters but not more than 350!  Use the words “outdoors” and “sporting events”! Make it interesting or you’ll die alone! You have two minutes!!”

Match was easy to understand and navigate, and I was able to very quickly get to the goal, which was browsing.  And what a variety Match offers!  As I have learned, this varies city to city, but in Seattle, there is a great variety of women, large and small, short and tall, black, white, other – a whole smorgasbord.  It was a bit intimidating, but with their search tools, I found I could narrow things down a bit, which helped.  After filling out my profile to what I felt was a comfortable extent, I even sent an email to a lovely lady, expressing interest.  Her response to this, my very first email sent via online dating? “Never contact me again.”  Well!  Clearly this was going to take some getting used to. 

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